Anonymous reality
I’ve been receiving benefits for about 13 years now. I get Employment and Support Allowance, which is for people who can’t work because of illness (ESA), Personal Independence Payment (PIP), and housing benefit.
Applying for benefits has been a mixed experience. PIP was okay, someone came to the house and that part went smoothly. But ESA was a real struggle. I remember filling in the form and then being told to go to Dundee for an assessment. A man interviewed me, typed everything I said, and at the end just said, “Okay, thank you very much.” Later, I got a letter saying I’d been denied. I thought, “What do I do now?”
It felt like it came down to how I looked. I’d dressed tidily and was pacing in the waiting room because I was nervous, but they took that to mean I was fine. I had to appeal, and thankfully Welfare Rights helped me. They were great, but even then, it felt like jumping through hoops, only to hit a wall at the end of each one.
Eventually I had to go to a tribunal. I was really nervous. In the waiting room I started shaking. One of the panel members asked, “How would you look if you weren’t ill?” and I said, “Well, I wouldn’t look like this,” but then instantly regretted it. I felt even more anxious.
When I found out I’d won the appeal, I was surprised and relieved. But I’d been put through the ringer. If I had a physical disability, I think it would have been easier. With mental health, I feel like you’re made to prove it over and over. It’s soul destroying.
I used to have monthly interviews until I got moved into the support group. They always asked, “Do you know what you could get if you worked?” Like that helps. I was once late to a meeting and the person kept saying, “You do know I don’t have to talk to you,” a few times. It felt really patronising and demeaning.
Although my benefits have never been sanctioned, they have messed up sometimes. For example, my PIP has been reduced without any explanation – no letters or warnings. I only realise when less money comes in, then I have to phone and get it sorted.
If I’m careful, the money just about covers the basics. But if something unexpected happens, that’s when it gets tough. Last year I dropped my phone and it broke. I had to replace it even though I didn’t have much in my account, otherwise I had no way to contact anyone. They don’t account for those kinds of things, or clothes, or even the occasional treat.
Being on benefits makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong if you want to enjoy something. I wish more people understood what it’s like to be ill. It’s horrible.
And the government seems to be punching down instead of going after tax evaders. All it does is make the stigma worse.